in my father's arms

Today has been a rough one for me. I found out that our unborn baby girl, our little Lily, does have spina bifida. They do not know how severe it is, or what her complications will be. But they do know, without a doubt, she has the birth defect.

I had a feeling there was something wrong during the ultrasound... the technician was super peppy and very talkative until she started measuring Lily's spine. She immediately stopped talking me through her measurements and started clicking away, and once she began speaking again her speech took on a strained tone.

The doctor walked into the room and confirmed my biggest fear... Spina Bifida. My 1% chance turned into a 100% sure thing in a few seconds. His manner of conversation was off putting as always but I didn't much care at that point, I just wanted to know what to expect, what to do next, where did I do go from here... but he had no answers for me. No odds this time. 

The rest of the appointment was a blur, I was immediately nauseous and focused all my energy on trying to stay composed. I dug my thumbnails into the skin of my other fingers to transfer my thoughts from my eyes welling up with tears to the pain I was voluntarily creating. I thanked him for his time and walked out of the office like a zombie. I made it out into the hall, down the elevator and to the exterior doors before the tears started streaming down my cheeks. I could barely see when I made it to the car. I unlocked the door and slumped into the seat. I sat there blank for a minute before I just relaxed and let the pain, fear and anxiety just explode out of me. I have never heard myself cry like that before... it is not a pretty sound! I noted it and kept going. I sat there wailing and praying and trying to decide how long I was going to let this go on. The crying stopped, I don't know how long it lasted but it stopped and I fell into a numb state of being. I couldn't call my husband, he was in class and if I called him, it would just stress him out, and bad news could wait. But I needed to talk to someone, so I called my mom. She was immediately on her way to me, regardless of my assurance I was ok to drive. She showed up jumped in the car and hugged me. My darling mother, with her always ready to listen ears and shoulder to cry on.

My father brought her to me. I half expected him to wave to me from the car as he drove away, not sure why, he isn't that kind of man and definitely not that kind of father. He walked straight to me, and not saying a word he took me into his arms. I had managed to not cry again until that point. Then as he held me the pain I had buried earlier resurfaced, but this time it had an outlet. I sobbed uncontrollably as he held me; and as I cried into his shoulder it felt as if he was taking it on for me... if only for a second, it wasn't my burden to bear anymore. It was the most comforting thing I could have asked for, and yet I didn't have to ask. He was just there for me. In that moment I was 4 again and he had just picked me up because I fell off my bike. In my father's arms was just where I needed to be.

Happiness Is...

Our world is full of negativity and depression lately. There is horror and sadness on every news station. It seems like devastation and destruction line our newspaper headings everyday, and our families and friends are constantly being attacked by unforeseeable enemies. So it's no wonder happiness can be a hard thing to find if you don't know where to look. To me happiness is:

watching my babies play and listening to their laughter
sugar free red bull at just the right time of day
baking cookies and not caring about the mess
grocery shopping date nights
finding a really good coupon and using it
making a delicious dinner everyone enjoys
having all the dirty laundry off the floor
talking about the future with the man of my dreams
playing cards at GG's with the girls
freezing cold ice water
donating to a good cause
sleeping past 6:30 am
a walk/bike ride with the family
having a clean car to drive
Shellie's vacuum cleaner
watching my brothers play football
having waxed eyebrows
a babysitter my kids adore
sincere thank yous
lime green fingernail polish

My list really could go on and on... but you get the point. :) If you look for happiness you can find it in every day's littlest things.

Trying to lead a "Libra Life"

Libra is the only astrological sign that is not human-ish or an animal. The sign for Libra is the scales, balanced scales. I am a Libra, in fact I am right in the middle of the dates which are 9/23 to 10/23 - my birthday is 10/10, so I'm pretty much the ultimate Libra, if you will. :) So why can I not achieve balance?

There are so many aspects to one's life; Kids, Marriage, Family, Church, Education, Charity, Health, Fitness, Finance, Home Life, Social Life, etc. And in addition to/or along with each category are many roles to play; Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Grand-daughter, Niece, Cousin, Friend, Neighbor. It seems the harder I try to find balance in my busy life the further from it I get. Perhaps if I didn't try so hard things would fall into place... but that is a tough concept to believe. If I don't actively try to have a social life, it won't happen. If I just go on about my daily responsibilities my husband gets neglected.  And when I make time for me to relax I feel guilty because I am ignoring something else that needs to be done.

I want to be a well-rounded individual if for nothing more than to act as a model for my children to follow but it is extremely hard to achieve. I guess it's one of those "fake it 'til you make it" parts of life. :) In which case... I am doing alright for now! lol.

"Dr. Drama" episode 2

Back to the series of phone calls...

My first one was around 10:00am. It was my doctor himself. He called to inform me that he had seen the results from my blood work (interesting fact: they tell you it will take 7 to 10 days and he called me within 2 days, lol). He wanted to let me know he had some concerns about my pregnancy. He then proceeded to tell me that my child has a 1 in 138 chance of having Spina Bifida, the average is usually 1 in 1,000 so he wanted to do some more tests and take some extra precautions. He then continued on and on about the worst possible scenarios and how it was important to be prepared and carefully monitor this pregnancy. He first told me he was going to schedule a Type II Ultrasound immediately to see where along the spine the problem was in order to make the necessary arrangements. Fetal surgery in 8 weeks at a Hospital in Nashville, Tennessee. (This is when they cut me open, take the baby out, operate on her and then put her back in for a few more weeks.) Then I would delivery at Children's Hospital in Seattle with a team of Neurologists 6 weeks after the surgery. This would give my baby the greatest chance of a normal life... if it's the right type of spina bifida. But on another hand it may not be necessary because they child might die before then too. Wow. Thanks. He then told me to go research it online so I could be prepared and educated. Umm... he must have missed the part on my chart about me being unmediated and crazy. Jabali tried to down play the whole thing for me so my anxiety wouldn't take over, and for the most part it worked. Even though my odds are much, much higher than the average woman's it is still less than a 1% chance my baby will be born with spina bifida. So if I gave birth 138 times, only one of those children would be affected. ... it helped a little bit.
A few hours later, when I had calmed down for the most part.. I had a nurse call and remind me all over again and inform me when my next appointment was. I did not get the option to reschedule. It was the very next available appointment and it was more of a polite demand than a request. I agreed and put it on the calendar. Even though it means I will be going alone, and have to find babysitters for my kids, and ask Jackie to find someone to watch Connor, and I'll be late for Jabali II's football game (the one game that his mom just happens to be coming down from Seattle for). Ah stress. Lovely.

A few hours later I got a call from a Neonatal Specialist who set up another no rescheduling available appointment for an ultrasound of their own, and a follow up appointment exactly 2 weeks later, always on the worst day of the week possible. 

What I don't understand is how other people can have normal pregnancies? Maybe everyone else has just as many complications I just don't hear about them. It just seems like mine are so hard. Not only am I sick most of the 9 months, I have to get off my precious mood stabilizing medications and try my best to act normal for the other members of my family THEN on top of that my babies are sick in someway. Quinn wasn't developing at the normal levels and was most likely going to die before being born. Marley had a diaphragmatic hernia and was going to have surgery immediately after she was born and every 5 years thereafter, and now this baby has spina bifida. That's a lot for a crazy pregnant girl to take in. Now Quinn and Marley are perfectly healthy and happy kids. And odds are this new baby will be too. But WHY the drama? Whatever happened to the natural progression of things? "Oh you are pregnant! Hooray for you, enjoy your pregnancy" "It's a girl! Congratulations." Not for me I guess. Such is life. :) 

I am still overly stressed out and beside myself on what to think, or do but I am going to stay positive, keep thinking happy and healthy thoughts and try to lead people to believe I am not on the verge of tears at any given second of the day. lol.

"Dr. Drama" episode 1

I am not a fan of my newest doctor. Not one bit. I am sure he is a great person and doctor; many people don't need good bedside manner from their doctors and he is perfect for those people. Not an un-medicated anxiety ridden/OCD/Bi-polar Princess like myself.

Today I received a series of calls regarding the soon-to-be newest addition to the Ray Family. However, we are not going to start there. Let me take you back a couple of days, Wednesday afternoon to be exact.

My "quick" OB check was schedule for 2:40pm. I showed up five minutes early and checked in... sat down and patiently waited for my appointment. About 30 minutes later I realized the people who were in the waiting room with me had now changed. Fifteen minutes after that I noticed that some of the women who arrived with or shortly after me were now leaving from their appointments. Finally my name was called. The nurse quickly took my vitals, I peed in the proverbial cup and was escorted to the exam room to wait once again. I waited and waited then waited some more. One hour and 3 parenting magazines later the Doctor made his appearance. He then explained the tests I would be doing in the lab downstairs immediately following my appointment with him. He explained it in so much detail that even if this was my first child it would have been over-kill. After talking at me for 10 minutes he checked the babies heart beat, said "sounds good". Then looked over my chart and said, "Well, you really need to be monitored for the untreated bi-polar disorder, so you are going to need to see someone about that." Ummm... hello Doctor?! (Apparently he misunderstood the purpose of the visit.) I had already decided to pick a new doctor so I wasn't going to mention anything. The next 10 minutes included him typing, v..e..r..y s..l..o..w..l..y on his teeny tiny lap top. Then he just abruptly got up and left, as I was contemplating whether or not I was done, the nurse entered the room with prescriptions and instructions to head down to the lab to get some blood drawn.

I go down to the lab, and am instructed to take a seat. Ugh. This wait this time was much shorter and the visit was too, no unnecessary lectures on statistics... it was just in, poke and out. Just the way I like it! lol.

I walked out of the facility at 4:50pm. 2 HOURS and 10 MINUTES after my scheduled appointment time. That's not even the best part... during all of my tedious waiting my poor husband was in a panic. You see my cell phone died at 3:00 (which exponentially increased my boredom by the way). BUT an hour into my 15 minute check-up he started to get worried. So he called the doctor's office to check on me. The kind receptionist informed him they checked me out at 3:20. I hadn't even seen the doctor and they told my husband I had left!!!

Being fully aware of just how "special" I am while pregnant he went into panic mode, thinking the worst possible scenarios: perhaps I received bad news and wasn't thinking clearly... or I was distracted and got into a horrible car accident, whatever it was something had happened to me because I don't just disappear. And he was stuck at home helpless. Thankfully that was not the case; I was just incredibly annoyed, but safe nonetheless. But because he was unaware of this he called everyone we knew to see if they had heard from me, or knew my whereabouts -- no one did. Then he called our cell phone carrier and had a tracker set up for my phone in the off chance it could locate me regardless of a dead battery -- it could not. So he went upstairs to flag down someone driving by our house in order to get our suburban jump started so he could go looking for me. Just then I pulled in... it was obvious he had been pacing. I watched his pale face (which if you know my husband, is saying ALOT.lol) quickly fill with color and his expression soften then turn to confusion as tried (quite unsuccessfully) to calmly question me about my appointment and any problems that arose. When I said, "Other than the wait everything was fine." He took a deep breath and realizing I was "normal" today expressed his last hour of sheer panic and stress. Poor guy, it really made me want to call and scream at the receptionist for putting my husband through hell, but I realized it wouldn't help and just decided to fold laundry and cry a little.