the begining of the end

Change takes time. I know that.

I didn't gain 50 pounds overnight.

I didn't become this overwhelmed in one week.

I didn't forget what makes me happy last month.

I didn't lose my sense of self this year.

It took time to get here and it'll take time to get back.

Back to happiness. Back to me.

It's going to happen this time. I know I've tried before and failed, but it was because I couldn't go back to the exact person who I used to be when I last remembered being happy. I started to resent people whom I felt made that goal an impossible one. I was being naive, I see that now. Things have changed since my last chapter of truly happy. I have children that I totally adore and a husband that loves me no matter what. I've faced demons I didn't know existed and suffered losses that I deemed impossible to overcome. Which means, the same things that made me tick before could be different this time around, but I remember the feeling of being happy with who I was and so I'll strive for that.

My goal of no longer being a doormat will happen. I know in the beginning I'll give in to people I'd much rather punch in the boob than smile at but slowly I will put myself first again. No more just saying yes, because I always do. It's expected of me right now so it'll  make some waves at first, and that's ok. I won't stand around to deal with the fall out. I'll be too busy doing something I enjoy. Never again will I force my sick children to be with babysitters so I can drive someone else's children to Ellensburg and back. I have done that three times now and I hated myself for it. Never again. It's not even my responsibility, so things are going to start happening around my schedule or I won't do it.   

Eventually I will stop being so hard on myself when I make mistakes. No one is perfect. I heard a quote the other day that said, "the only thing that runs deeper than a mother's love is her guilt." We all do it. We all feel inadequate and that's a shame. I strongly believe that everyone does the best they can and that should be enough. Be confident that you are awesome just like you are and there will be no disappointment or reason to compare. I know I don't do as many fun things as other people, or make as much money, or create gourmet meals but guess what? That's ok, because who really cares? No one but me. And seeing how everyone else is too busy worrying about themselves... let yourself off the hook and just be you and do the things that make you happy. That's what I am going to do!    

I will stop stressing out when things happen. HUGE bills? Sure. Kid Drama? Why not. Health problems? Eh, that's life. The next time something comes up, I will not waste time obsessing over it, and instead I am just going to relax, take a few deep breaths and deal with the issue. Just handle it and be done so I can move on to something I want to do.

 

This is going to be great! :)

.the victim of her own story.

I stood in front of her, filled with disgust.
What happened to her I wondered.

Her face was old for such a young woman.
It was sad, regardless of the fake smile she wore.

Her eyes were empty and void of hope.
There was darkness where the light should be.

Her shoulders were visibly slumped.
Like she was too tired to try or perhaps just didn't care.

I pitied her.
No. It was more than that.
I hated her.

Who we are and what our life becomes is up to us.
Why had she chosen to be the victim of her own story?
How pathetic.

I was tired of this girl, she made me depressed.
I started to walk away, and then I remembered.
She wasn't always like that.

When did her life change?
What made her this way?
Why hadn't she noticed?

I turned off the faucet and put my toothbrush back in the drawer.
But before I stepped away from the mirror I said goodbye to that girl.
Because it would be the last time I ever saw her.

another one of those days

Ever have one of those days where it seems like nothing is going your way? Yeah, me too. More often than I'd like to admit. Today though, oh boy today... well, it's close to taking the cake as far as bad days go.

Spend the night coughing so violently I can barely sleep: CHECK

Wake up late and have to rush the boys around so they catch the bus on time: CHECK

Get some bad news: CHECK

Back pain is so bad that driving to/from Ellensburg made me cry: CHECK.

Car accident in Gas Station parking lot, in Jabali's new car: CHECK.

Have an anxiety attack when finding out Xavior was watching my kids while his dad "laid in bed the whole time": CHECK.

I can't find any cough medicine left from Jabali's 3 day binge, no ibuprofen either. It's finally beautiful outside and I am too cranky and in pain to go out and enjoy it. Ugh. I am so done hurting, this pain has got to stop, my immune system needs to catch up, and I want time to relax... but there is no rest for mommies. It's just not in our contracts, which I don't remember signing by the way. :)

There is however, Scrubs seasons 1-9 on Netflix, and that my friends, is something worth smiling about.:) I'm going to feed kids, do bedtime routines, skip my chores and instead pop some popcorn, crack open some cheese sauce and laugh (inside, because real laughing hurts). What's a few more pounds anyway?

my big little moment

Despite it's rough start (this is a serious understatement; even when considering my deep love of theatrics) tonight turned out to be pretty great.

In an effort to soothe my crying tiny I slow danced with her to an Adele song I found on YouTube (one with the lyrics, so I could adequately sing along), she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said:

 "thank you for fixing me mom, you are my best friend"

... it was a moment I will always cherish, even though she'll never remember.

After I 'fixed' my tiny little, the other littles found their way into my room. It could have had something to do with the volume of the song, it was loud. Very loud. Loud enough to mask the chaos just outside my door. And if I was being honest, I would have to admit that I turned the volume up extra high in hopes of luring them into my area of control.


When they walked in I flashed them a quick, half-smirk and decided that something upbeat would be good, so I clicked on LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" (yes, the clean version... again with lyrics. Try not to judge my joy of sing-along songs. It's tempting I know, I blame Disney. lol) I didn't even have to tell them to dance ... They. Just. Knew.

We all started dancing like maniacs! Each showcasing our own extremely awesome dance skills but remembering to take turns so everyone had a chance to show off their "watch me mom!" signature move.  Seriously, my kids rock! Apparently, the ability to dance is genetic because well,  ya know... back in the day, not to brag or anything... I was prr-et-ty amazing. lol.  

Fast forward to my older boys coming in to investigate the impromptu dance party. They too had a "moment",  not nearly as amazing as mine; in fact, it was more along the lines of a traumatic event they won't soon be able to forget. And yeah, if you are wondering... I do in-fact still "got it", you know... going on, lol. A few minutes later they too joined in the fun, good luck getting them to admit it though. :)

For just a little while, in my albeit small-ish bedroom aka "area of control" things were happy again. No fighting, no yelling, no injuries, no arguing, no crying, no tattle-telling... just wicked, awesome dance moves and the silly sounds of laughter that accompanies such fun. 

And I used the momentum from the good family time to wrap up the night and send everyone to bed. Now that everyone is laying down for bedtime I am going to ignore the dishwasher that needs unloaded and the clothes that need folding and instead I am going to log onto Pinterest and "pin all the things!"

a pocket FULL of sunshine

I mean FULL of ... well, SUNSHINE. At least in this girl's book. :)

And even though money may not grow on trees; happiness does come in pill form.

I know what you are thinking.

 If it's so great why don't you take it everyday?

I would if I could.

Happiness is expensive.

And when you don't have health insurance the cost can be the difference between

real food for the month or Top Ramen...

Today was a soup kinda day anyway.