Heartbroken

There are no words that can adequately convey the complete heartbreak of yesterday's tragedy. My heart hurts so much for Shelby and Bri right now. I can't even comprehend the loss of someone so important to me, and to lose them so suddenly and without warning is devastating.

 

The world was a better place with Sherri and Bill in it. They created the family that everyone wants to be a part of. To be honest, I didn't know Bill really well, but the stories (and pictures) are proof of his awesomeness, and I can't say enough good about Sherri. She was always so positive and smiley. She loved her girls so much and she was always there to support them in everything they did. Seriously, she was one of the most amazing mothers I've ever met. In my mind I know that God has a plan and Sherri and Bill are happy and together right now, but my heart hurts so much for Shelby and Bri. They are like little sisters to me (and two of the best babysitters in the whole world!) so when I heard the news I felt devastated for them. You never want to see loved ones suffering, and this pain is too much for me to even understand. It's going to be hard every day for the rest of their lives. To lose such a vital part of your world.... there is no condolence that makes that burden lighter and that is a horrible reality for someone you love.

 

As a grown woman with children of my own the thought of losing my mother terrifies me. I need my mom. Every girl needs their mom. Especially every teenage girl. Prom dresses, high school drama, the breakups, the failures and the successes. Sherri won't be there to approve of the men they want to marry, to help them plan their weddings, to watch them try on gowns, to hear them say "I do".  She won't be there when they become mothers themselves. Their babies will never meet their incredible grandparents. It's such a devastating loss with such far reaching sadness. All day I have just randomly started crying when I think of Shelby and Bri's lives now. I wish I could make it all better for them but I know I can't and it makes me sick. I've tried to help but Jesse just keeps telling me he'll let me know when they are ready for it, but there is nothing anyone can really do for them right now.

 

But when they are ready for it... I'll be there to help with anything and everything. I just wish this trial was not theirs to face.

 

http://www.tri-cityherald.com/2013/06/09/2427415/burbank-couple-killed-in-one-car.html

Be cool... stay in school!

School blows right now. Here is my top 3 reasons why...

#3. I am not taking ANY classes I am even remotely interested in this quarter.

#2. They are all online, saves on babysitting needs/costs but it makes it more difficult to feel compelled to do homework.

#1. Quite frankly I am not a fan of actually learning new stuff.

... say what?! Yes, this is a shocking recent development. Apparently in addition to being ridiculously good looking I am also pretty smart. I have never had to study much to get great grades.

Here's the kicker, I have reached the limit of my abilities. I can not just BS my way through these particular classes. I actually have to read and study, then read some more and study some more. Before I look stuff up online ...and then re-read and, yep, study some more. Ain't that a bitch?

(It is, in case you did not realize the answer to the question. It really, really is!!)

Happy Monday

That's what's up!!!

104% for my Psychology class! ... it does kinda help to have a Master's level Psychologist within shouting distance though haha!!

Journals

Confessions of the mind lighten the burden of the soul. -Brian Seaward

I have decided to start writing in a journal again. I think it will be good. I have SO MANY unpublished posts just sitting here on my blog but, there is just something about being too open online that stops me from publishing them. That whole, accessible to anyone for practically eternity. Trust me, some of my thoughts are better left unsaid... well, unread but that doesn't mean I don't need to get them out of my head. So journaling it is! I just pray that no one finds them. I'd really hate to be committed to a mental hospital... white, just really isn't my color. :)

 

In case you decide that you too could benefit from the therapeutic effort of journal writing, perhaps as a way to relieve stress, as a coping technique or way to increase your self-awareness I have decided to share with you my strategy to find my inner peace (and yes, I totally mean in the way of Po, the Kung Fu Panda. haha)

1. Buy an amazing journal. Something wild and bright, maybe lime green or neon orange... I will know I found it when it that makes my eyes and heart happy just to pick up.

2. Make time for me to write. Alone, undistracted. Maybe while soaking my feet or listening to my jams.

3. Identify the concerns and problems that are causing me the most frustration, grief and tension then write about them til the why is identified and acknowelgded so I can find a solution or move on.

4. Be completely honest and totally uncensored. No one else is going to read it so why not be anything but exactly me.

5. Make lists, draw pictures, rhyme... be silly. Whatever it is that needs to get out, let it so I can cleanse my mind of toxic thoughts and emotion overload.

6. Use my chaotic thoughts to implement behavioral changes so I can be the happiest person I can be and find my inner peace... Po style. :)

 

 

Truth

 

Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength.

No.

I am so tired of everything being my fault.

It does me no good to try and discuss my feelings because whatever the problem is, whatever went wrong is because of some deep seeded character flaw of mine.

The bank account is low...
... because I spent all the money.

The house is a mess...
... because I don't spend enough of my time cleaning up after everyone.

There is no milk...
... because I didn't buy enough.

The boys think I hate them...
... because I refuse to put up with their crap anymore.

Marley couldn't get ready fast enough so she got left behind from movie night with dad...
... because I was sick and didn't get up to help find her an outfit and shoes to wear fast enough.

Sorry but I call bullshit.

He spends more money on court fees, jail, tickets and lawyers in any given year than all of my "frivioulous" expenses added up over the course of our entire marriage.

I AM a happy person, in fact I'm a very happy person. People like being around me. I laugh all the time, with other people that is. And no matter how miserable you think I am ... I'm not mentally ill. Sorry but you will NEVER convince me of that.