in the end

How do you say the words that no one wants to hear?
How do you be honest when the truth is so hurtful?
How do you express the anguish you can't explain?

Do you keep it inside, bury it deep and shoulder the burden alone?
Do you say what needs to be said even if you know no one will listen?
Do you run away and hope it doesn't follow you?

Why can't life be fair?
Why can't it be easier?
Why can't it be fixed?

I want to be done.
I want things to change.
I want it all to go away.


...but there is always hope for the future.

So, I'll pop another pill.
Put on my happy face.
And smile through the pain.

because in the end ...
what other choice do I have?

those kids

You know those kids you don't want your children to be friends with? 

The ones who make bad choices, use foul language, are rude, defiant, and just overall not good examples??

My kids LIVE with those kids.

[long heavy sigh]

I tried to fix it.

.. but it appears to be something I can not medicate for, discipline out, correct, or change.

now what?

send kids to their room for all acts of inappropraite behavior, which makes them think I hate them and am punishing them for being who they are

or

continue to let my kids be surrounded with this negative influence that makes my skin crawl and my neck ache??

I tried fixing it. It didn't work.

So I tried to ignore it.

It's no longer bareable. My little children are now mimicing thier older brothers. 

It's what little kids do.

And I can't ignore that. 

What's holding you back?

I really like this.

So much so I pinned it twice on Pinterest.

I got the message that said "Sarah repinned you" and started laughing at my silly self.

But it's a great message.

What WOULD I do if I knew I could not fail?

Awesome Dance! :)

I think Brad and Kayla should do this dance for their couples routine at the Ironman in Spokane it would be pretty epic. Kayla will totally rock this, and just imagine Brad.... long haired wig... flexing trunks. lol. I'm sure we could make a mash-up, but this has to be part of it!

The Mom Challenge

The Mom Challenge

 "There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.... "

I originally "re-pinned" this idea from my Aunt Jani's pin on Pinterest. [Here are my boards, ya know.. in case you feel like following me :)]

Often I find myself thinking I am not good enough at this mommy thing. I want to do more activities like she does, or take my kids more places like they do, or have more time to do this or that... pretty much I am hard on myself because I'm afraid I won't be the best mom ever. And I really, really want to be. Seriously I want my kids to brag to their friends about how amazing their childhood was. So this is an attempt to uncover new and exciting way to be a great mom.

Ukuleles

I love songs with ukuleles in them, seriously nothing can put a big cheesy grin on my face faster than an upbeat ukulele song. The only thing I love more than that is a song about ukuleles... enjoy! :) lol.

just be

What would Sarah McLachlan say?

Me: "Your dog just peed on the floor, I need you to go clean it up." 

J2: "Ugh. Fine."

Me: "You do realize that you are losing $1 of your allowance every time she pees on the floor, right?" (Not the first time the dog has peed on the floor today.)

J2: "I can't stop her."

Me: "You could try paying attention to her."

15 minutes later. The pee is still not cleaned up.

Me: "Jabali I need you to pause your game and go clean up the dog pee."

J2: "I will."

Me: Standing there waiting. "Now please."

J2: "Oh my gosh."

Heaven forbid I want the dog pee off my floor.

He gets up huffing and puffing and stomping around to get paper towels

like a true teenage drama queen.

... meanwhile Marley slips in the dog pee. Awesome.

He picks up the paper towels  that he used to soak up the pee and tosses them in the garbage.

J2:" I don't remember Athena being able to pee that much."

Me: "You're right Jabali, I peed on the floor."

the pee is not really cleaned up.

it is definitely not sanitary over there.

THIS. IS. NOT. OK!

I have to re-clean it up myself, that way I know it's clean.

Shame on me for caving and allowing J2 kids to get a puppy for his birthday.

Shame on me for not insisting he ask for something other than a pet.

He promised to take really good care of her and I fell for it... Shame.On.Me!  

It's frustrating to make the same mistakes over again. The last dog our family owned wasn't taken care of like he should of been. Don't get me wrong he was loved, but only when it was convenient. And that is not how puppies are supposed to be treated. I got tired of being the only one taking care of him, cleaning up after him, playing with him. It was too much for me to do along with everything else going on so I had to find him a different home, so we could both be happier.


I thought that was a lesson learned.       ... but now ... it's happening all over again.

J2 doesn't seem to "get it". Despite the encouragement, reminders, self-help books, serious talks, extra chores, lost allowance. It's seriously draining. And that's only when he's here. I take care of the dog when he is at school, holiday breaks and every other weekend when he's at his mom's house.

He yells at the puppy when he gets in trouble for not taking care of it. He hits her when she doesn't listen to him and then freaks out on me when I try to correct his bad choices.

"What do you want me to do about it?"
"What?! Am I suppose to just play with her all day and have no life?!"
(Wow. Um.. please, don't have children.)

His dog spends more time locked in her kennel than she spends outside of it. If she's not locked in her kennel, he just puts her outside and leaves her there for HOURS. We don't have a fenced yard yet, and yesterday I saw the puppy run across the road in front of a car. She almost got hit. He didn't seem to care because she was back out there again tonight. In fact I went out to get my phone out of the car and she was laying on the front porch, who knows how long she had been left out there this time. It's sad.

And I can not stand the dog hair that is E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E!! Everywhere.
I hate stepping in pee.
I am not a fan of coming home and seeing poop on the floor.
It's not sanitary. It's SO NOT OK.

I tried talking to his dad about it, he gets mad at me for being upset. Like I don't have a right to live in a clean, dog-hair free house because his son is ADHD and it's hard for him to remember, and giving the dog away would make him sad. What would Sarah McLachlan say about this situation? Hmmm?! She wouldn't like it!! I know that much.

I don't know what I am going to do  but something has got to change. One of these days the poor little puppy that gets left outside by herself... might just go missing, and find herself in a new home where she'll be really loved and taken care of. Until then I will use J2's allowance money to buy more bleach spray.

'Orange you glad I didn't say banana?!

"holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"     -- felice dunas

let it go and move on, you'll be better because of it. :)

Important to Remember...

We don't know what challenges anyone else is facing. So, don't judge them... and definitely don't make life harder for them. It's not necessary, and it's definitely not nice.

Just remember the golden rule our mothers taught us when we were young... Treat others how you would like to be treated.

If everyone did this, the world would be a much, much nicer place to live.

Laughing is Great!

a life not our own

Parents are just people. They get to make mistakes too, right? Unfortunately no. Not without directly affecting our children and their future.

People seem to think, that their life is theirs to live. "Who cares?!"  "It's not like I'm hurting anyone." "It's my life." Its not. Seriously, wake up. Your actions have consequences for others... especially your children. Each and every decision parents make will affect their children. One way or another we are shaping the people our children will become, for better or worse. 

As for me I will forever live my life for my children. Giving birth to them changed my whole existence. My life is harder, but better because they are in it. Their best interests will always be in the forefront of my mind and I would do anything for my children.

I want to be better and I constantly strive to be a better mother and in general a better person. I am not perfect. Far from it and I try my best not to judge others, it's not my place.... but some people make it so hard to like them.

*Disclaimer: I realize this is a pretty vague post and some of you are going to think it is aimed at you. Rest assured it is not, unless your name is Corrin. But, if while reading this you thought it was about you... that might mean something.