Mother's Day

Today I was informed by my stepson Xavior, that Mother's Day does not apply to me because I'm only his step mom not his real mom. Only... his ... step mom?!?! Hmmm... Who takes him to the doctor twice a month? Who drives him to therapy and discusses current issues with his therapist? Who brings home "just because I love you" surprises? Who deals with his teachers every day? Who teaches him the importance of hard work and pays his allowance? Who takes the time to make sure his day went well at school and listens when it wasn't good? .... yeah, that would be me. ME! Not his mother. No, apparently all she had to do earn the right to Mother's Day was push him out of her vagina. (I'd also like to point out that this same mother opted out of spending time with her son on mother's day that's why he is with his me for the holiday.) Normally I would have let this comment go like I usually do, but this particular weekend... Mother's Day weekend, my weekend I decided to respond with just how very untrue that was.

I wanted to explain that not only did I speak to his real mom and try to explain how important it is she not bail on him this weekend, and then after she once again did cancel (out of the last six schedules visits he was suppose to see her, he only went once) I tried to arrange for him to stay with his Auntie. After Heather said yes, and Hannah agreed to drive him both ways... his mom veto'd it saying she couldn't afford to see him. Then I offered to send him with money so he wouldn't be a financial burden. But even after all that he still couldn't go because she needed to get her stuff and move into an apartment this weekend (which has been the same excuse for all 5 missed visits... this apartment must be really far away). I knew how sad not seeing his mom for Mother's Day would make him so I called his friends' moms to see who could stay the night. Mark? No. Drew? No. Jake? Maybe. So I had to beg Jacob's mom to unground him (bad grades... silly Jake) so he could stay the night. After she agreed, I stopped on my way home from my Ellensburg drive and rented 2 redbox movies for them to watch with treats to make it a fun night... on mother's day weekend... the weekend that is suppose to be all about giving me a break, the one day every 365 days where I get to come first. I went out of my way to make him feel better about his mom not being there for him, and mother's day doesn't count for me?!!

Instead of pointing it all out and calling him an ungrateful, self-centered bastard like I thought in my head (I was really cranky, lol) ... I just made a frowny face and told him in a saddened voice that it means even more for step moms like me because we have to work twice as hard and you still don't even love us half as much, because no matter what I do or how much I love you, I'll never be your real mom.

.... Happy Mother's Day to me.

It's ok though, because I am going to demand a "do over"...I have to drive to Ellensburg, I won't get to sleep in, Jabali isn't home so there will be no pampering involved, I will have to cook and clean and watch kids so I decided that I am giving myself a rain check for this mother's day. :) haha

Friends

Today I was thinking about friends and how extremely lucky I am to have such good friends in my life. I have never 'lost' a friend. (Other than my friend Blanca from Elementary school... and we didn't get into an argument, I moved and we didn't stay in touch. Where was facebook then?! )

Sure people change, move... or their priorities change and we grow apart. That's gonna happen every now and then, but we always remain friends. Whether we talk/text/email regularly or if I see them once a year. Even those that I see less than that - when I see them in the store we hug and swap stories about our lives and promise to chat on facebook.... and then we do. It's great. I love it.

I often hear about others getting into fights and arguments with their friends and that is so sad to me, but I will never completely understand that. It's never happened to me. I have never experienced the explosion of a best friend feud. Or a fight that would cause me to "un friend" someone on facebook let alone in real life.

My bestest best friends have always been my siblings and cousins though, that might play a serious part in my inability to make my friends hate me. haha. Those closest to me can't hate me, we are related! lol. But even all my non-family friends are still in my life. I love everyone of them and feel so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.

I am pretty awesome though. If I wasn't me, I'd want to be friends with me. :)

Silly Sayings

My kids say the most hilarious things. I laugh and laugh... sometimes text it to a couple family members or do a quick facebook post and then forget about it. BUT, I want to start keeping these silly sayings and funny moments to relive again, and again... and again! :) So I am going to blog them. That way when my computers crash (3 in 5 years) I can still have the memories stored away online (unlike my notes, moments and memories from Quinn and Marley's first years of life! Yeah, total bummer.)

I am going to start with two of today's laugh out loud moments:

Me: Marley it's time to get ready for bed.
Marley: Mom, I don't understand you. I only speak spanish.
Me: lol. Thank you Dora.

Quinn was taking the garbage out during chore time, and he went to throw the garbage bag over the balcony into the open garbage can down below, but he missed then said: "Ohh, man... fail!" lol.

I love it!! :)

the begining of the end

Change takes time. I know that.

I didn't gain 50 pounds overnight.

I didn't become this overwhelmed in one week.

I didn't forget what makes me happy last month.

I didn't lose my sense of self this year.

It took time to get here and it'll take time to get back.

Back to happiness. Back to me.

It's going to happen this time. I know I've tried before and failed, but it was because I couldn't go back to the exact person who I used to be when I last remembered being happy. I started to resent people whom I felt made that goal an impossible one. I was being naive, I see that now. Things have changed since my last chapter of truly happy. I have children that I totally adore and a husband that loves me no matter what. I've faced demons I didn't know existed and suffered losses that I deemed impossible to overcome. Which means, the same things that made me tick before could be different this time around, but I remember the feeling of being happy with who I was and so I'll strive for that.

My goal of no longer being a doormat will happen. I know in the beginning I'll give in to people I'd much rather punch in the boob than smile at but slowly I will put myself first again. No more just saying yes, because I always do. It's expected of me right now so it'll  make some waves at first, and that's ok. I won't stand around to deal with the fall out. I'll be too busy doing something I enjoy. Never again will I force my sick children to be with babysitters so I can drive someone else's children to Ellensburg and back. I have done that three times now and I hated myself for it. Never again. It's not even my responsibility, so things are going to start happening around my schedule or I won't do it.   

Eventually I will stop being so hard on myself when I make mistakes. No one is perfect. I heard a quote the other day that said, "the only thing that runs deeper than a mother's love is her guilt." We all do it. We all feel inadequate and that's a shame. I strongly believe that everyone does the best they can and that should be enough. Be confident that you are awesome just like you are and there will be no disappointment or reason to compare. I know I don't do as many fun things as other people, or make as much money, or create gourmet meals but guess what? That's ok, because who really cares? No one but me. And seeing how everyone else is too busy worrying about themselves... let yourself off the hook and just be you and do the things that make you happy. That's what I am going to do!    

I will stop stressing out when things happen. HUGE bills? Sure. Kid Drama? Why not. Health problems? Eh, that's life. The next time something comes up, I will not waste time obsessing over it, and instead I am just going to relax, take a few deep breaths and deal with the issue. Just handle it and be done so I can move on to something I want to do.

 

This is going to be great! :)

.the victim of her own story.

I stood in front of her, filled with disgust.
What happened to her I wondered.

Her face was old for such a young woman.
It was sad, regardless of the fake smile she wore.

Her eyes were empty and void of hope.
There was darkness where the light should be.

Her shoulders were visibly slumped.
Like she was too tired to try or perhaps just didn't care.

I pitied her.
No. It was more than that.
I hated her.

Who we are and what our life becomes is up to us.
Why had she chosen to be the victim of her own story?
How pathetic.

I was tired of this girl, she made me depressed.
I started to walk away, and then I remembered.
She wasn't always like that.

When did her life change?
What made her this way?
Why hadn't she noticed?

I turned off the faucet and put my toothbrush back in the drawer.
But before I stepped away from the mirror I said goodbye to that girl.
Because it would be the last time I ever saw her.

another one of those days

Ever have one of those days where it seems like nothing is going your way? Yeah, me too. More often than I'd like to admit. Today though, oh boy today... well, it's close to taking the cake as far as bad days go.

Spend the night coughing so violently I can barely sleep: CHECK

Wake up late and have to rush the boys around so they catch the bus on time: CHECK

Get some bad news: CHECK

Back pain is so bad that driving to/from Ellensburg made me cry: CHECK.

Car accident in Gas Station parking lot, in Jabali's new car: CHECK.

Have an anxiety attack when finding out Xavior was watching my kids while his dad "laid in bed the whole time": CHECK.

I can't find any cough medicine left from Jabali's 3 day binge, no ibuprofen either. It's finally beautiful outside and I am too cranky and in pain to go out and enjoy it. Ugh. I am so done hurting, this pain has got to stop, my immune system needs to catch up, and I want time to relax... but there is no rest for mommies. It's just not in our contracts, which I don't remember signing by the way. :)

There is however, Scrubs seasons 1-9 on Netflix, and that my friends, is something worth smiling about.:) I'm going to feed kids, do bedtime routines, skip my chores and instead pop some popcorn, crack open some cheese sauce and laugh (inside, because real laughing hurts). What's a few more pounds anyway?

my big little moment

Despite it's rough start (this is a serious understatement; even when considering my deep love of theatrics) tonight turned out to be pretty great.

In an effort to soothe my crying tiny I slow danced with her to an Adele song I found on YouTube (one with the lyrics, so I could adequately sing along), she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said:

 "thank you for fixing me mom, you are my best friend"

... it was a moment I will always cherish, even though she'll never remember.

After I 'fixed' my tiny little, the other littles found their way into my room. It could have had something to do with the volume of the song, it was loud. Very loud. Loud enough to mask the chaos just outside my door. And if I was being honest, I would have to admit that I turned the volume up extra high in hopes of luring them into my area of control.


When they walked in I flashed them a quick, half-smirk and decided that something upbeat would be good, so I clicked on LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" (yes, the clean version... again with lyrics. Try not to judge my joy of sing-along songs. It's tempting I know, I blame Disney. lol) I didn't even have to tell them to dance ... They. Just. Knew.

We all started dancing like maniacs! Each showcasing our own extremely awesome dance skills but remembering to take turns so everyone had a chance to show off their "watch me mom!" signature move.  Seriously, my kids rock! Apparently, the ability to dance is genetic because well,  ya know... back in the day, not to brag or anything... I was prr-et-ty amazing. lol.  

Fast forward to my older boys coming in to investigate the impromptu dance party. They too had a "moment",  not nearly as amazing as mine; in fact, it was more along the lines of a traumatic event they won't soon be able to forget. And yeah, if you are wondering... I do in-fact still "got it", you know... going on, lol. A few minutes later they too joined in the fun, good luck getting them to admit it though. :)

For just a little while, in my albeit small-ish bedroom aka "area of control" things were happy again. No fighting, no yelling, no injuries, no arguing, no crying, no tattle-telling... just wicked, awesome dance moves and the silly sounds of laughter that accompanies such fun. 

And I used the momentum from the good family time to wrap up the night and send everyone to bed. Now that everyone is laying down for bedtime I am going to ignore the dishwasher that needs unloaded and the clothes that need folding and instead I am going to log onto Pinterest and "pin all the things!"