the begining of the end

Change takes time. I know that.

I didn't gain 50 pounds overnight.

I didn't become this overwhelmed in one week.

I didn't forget what makes me happy last month.

I didn't lose my sense of self this year.

It took time to get here and it'll take time to get back.

Back to happiness. Back to me.

It's going to happen this time. I know I've tried before and failed, but it was because I couldn't go back to the exact person who I used to be when I last remembered being happy. I started to resent people whom I felt made that goal an impossible one. I was being naive, I see that now. Things have changed since my last chapter of truly happy. I have children that I totally adore and a husband that loves me no matter what. I've faced demons I didn't know existed and suffered losses that I deemed impossible to overcome. Which means, the same things that made me tick before could be different this time around, but I remember the feeling of being happy with who I was and so I'll strive for that.

My goal of no longer being a doormat will happen. I know in the beginning I'll give in to people I'd much rather punch in the boob than smile at but slowly I will put myself first again. No more just saying yes, because I always do. It's expected of me right now so it'll  make some waves at first, and that's ok. I won't stand around to deal with the fall out. I'll be too busy doing something I enjoy. Never again will I force my sick children to be with babysitters so I can drive someone else's children to Ellensburg and back. I have done that three times now and I hated myself for it. Never again. It's not even my responsibility, so things are going to start happening around my schedule or I won't do it.   

Eventually I will stop being so hard on myself when I make mistakes. No one is perfect. I heard a quote the other day that said, "the only thing that runs deeper than a mother's love is her guilt." We all do it. We all feel inadequate and that's a shame. I strongly believe that everyone does the best they can and that should be enough. Be confident that you are awesome just like you are and there will be no disappointment or reason to compare. I know I don't do as many fun things as other people, or make as much money, or create gourmet meals but guess what? That's ok, because who really cares? No one but me. And seeing how everyone else is too busy worrying about themselves... let yourself off the hook and just be you and do the things that make you happy. That's what I am going to do!    

I will stop stressing out when things happen. HUGE bills? Sure. Kid Drama? Why not. Health problems? Eh, that's life. The next time something comes up, I will not waste time obsessing over it, and instead I am just going to relax, take a few deep breaths and deal with the issue. Just handle it and be done so I can move on to something I want to do.

 

This is going to be great! :)