No.

I am so tired of everything being my fault.

It does me no good to try and discuss my feelings because whatever the problem is, whatever went wrong is because of some deep seeded character flaw of mine.

The bank account is low...
... because I spent all the money.

The house is a mess...
... because I don't spend enough of my time cleaning up after everyone.

There is no milk...
... because I didn't buy enough.

The boys think I hate them...
... because I refuse to put up with their crap anymore.

Marley couldn't get ready fast enough so she got left behind from movie night with dad...
... because I was sick and didn't get up to help find her an outfit and shoes to wear fast enough.

Sorry but I call bullshit.

He spends more money on court fees, jail, tickets and lawyers in any given year than all of my "frivioulous" expenses added up over the course of our entire marriage.

I AM a happy person, in fact I'm a very happy person. People like being around me. I laugh all the time, with other people that is. And no matter how miserable you think I am ... I'm not mentally ill. Sorry but you will NEVER convince me of that.

Pinterest Funnies

50 Before 30 Results

My 30th birthday has come and gone (heck, it's not even my birthday month anymore!... slacker much? haha) But. He is the post you've all (actually, its probably just Brad) been waiting for!

 

So, after realizing that  my 50 before 30 list was going to fail short I decided to do 30 acts of kindness on my birthday as well, to make it up to myself. It was fun ... and hard at times... like Jesse paying for my lunch, when I had planned on paying for his and counting it toward my 30! Or when I realized that I might not be delivering the newspapers to the right "front door". (My grandma uses her back door as her front door, in fact she never uses her actual front door.) So when I secretly dropped her paper at her back/front door it made me wonder how many other people did this same thing-- meaning, my act of kindness was more of a "missing newspaper" game they may not be too thrilled to play first thing in the morning... I decided taking garbage cans back to their house instead of hiding their newspapers would be more kind. haha.

 

My favorites ones were putting change into a vending machine and walking away. Taping quarters to those silly toy machines at the front of stores and making a little ol' lady's day just by taking the time to stop and chat. :) I am not going to list out all the good deeds I did because then it becomes less about random acts of kindness and more along the lines of self indulgent bragging for how awesome I am ... and since everyone already knows of my awesomeness there is no need! haha

 

Bottom line, great birthday. :) 

 

 

50 Before 30: The recap!!

 

 

Financial

1. Save Money. Put money into a Savings Account AND leave it there.
2. Find a budget that works.
3. Get a handle on our debt, at least know what it is and what we owe to who.
4. Set up a bank account for Quinn and Marley BUT I did this for the big boys, so they have debit cards and will be learning the importance of smart money management, because money does, in fact, buy happiness.
5. Start a new investment portfolio with the hubs. Pssh... yeah right. Good thought though!
6. Get caught up on my tithing. BUT I did attempt to do it, so that is a success in itself!
7. Become coupon savvy for grocery shopping.
8. Tip a great waiter or waitress 100%.
9. Leave $5 somewhere for a random person to find with a note that says "It's your lucky day, Enjoy!"
10. Get another source of income, part time job maybe?

Physical

11. Enroll in a group exercise at the club.

12. Participate in an organzied 5k run.

13. Lose 40 pounds... at least! (40/40) Hey. Getting deathly ill still counts! I didn't say how I had to lose it! lol.

14. Get each of the boys into a physical activity/sport.

15. Buy a bike, and go bike riding. Yeah... no. haha.

16. Go to the gym with Brad one time.
17. Do the 30 Day Shred.
18. Create the ultimate workout I-Pod playlist. I was never quite satisfied but it is pretty legit!19. Master Winsor Pilates.

20. Whitten my teeth to perfection. Pretty dang white is close enough.
21. Get a tan... a real one. Not sure this is an attainable goal?! lol

Personal

22. Be specifically thankful for one thing every week for one month.
23. Have a "girls only" activity once a month. (6/6)
24. Read the BOM cover to cover. Lofty goal, I can't even read a magazine cover to cover! Next time.
25. Buy something extravagant for myself. The most amazing $100 running shoes!! :) Thanks Jackie
26. Find the perfect bra. Not affordable, but perfect!
27. Start a blog. Good thing it doesn't say keep up with blog!
28. Create a routine that allows me time to myself daily.
29. Spend one night away from my kids.
30. Find the right medication for my craziness. I settled for one that works, it's right for now.

Family/Community

31. Host Sunday dinner 10 times. (50/10) ... now I can't stop! :)

32. Hold Family Night once a month for a year. Hmm.. Epic Fail.
33. Start a scrapbook for each kid.
34. Create a master birthday calendar. It even has all my new step-family members! Thank you facebook! haha
35. Get a one month supply of food storage for emergencies. I was SO close. Then the boys came down some teen boy ailment, ya know... the one where they are never not hungry. Now I am lucky to have a one week supply of food at one time.
36. Make a family photo album. ... in progress, so it counts!
37. Participate in a food drive.
38. Adopt a child for Christmas.
39. Host 10 service projects (10/10)
40. Donate time at a local shelter. My house is amost a local shelter.
41. Set up a regular date night with my husband.
42. Do 25 random acts of kindess. (25/25)

Random Ones

43. Eat at 10 different, new or little local resturants.
44. Take an online class, just for funsies.
45. Go to every park and play land in the Tri-Cities and take pictures. Close... This one will continue goal list or not! It's fun.
46. Create an ABC photo album. It's my family album, two goals, one album!
47. Sew pj pants for all the kids. *Christmas
48. Make a quilt for each kid. *Christmas
49. Give homemade gifts *Christmas
50. Smile at every person I see for a whole day. (harder than you think!!)

2012 Night of Champions NPC Body Building Competition, Spokane WA

Waking up way too early to drive way too far (with littles anyway!) on only 3 hours of sleep sounds like a disaster, but let me tell you - it was a GREAT time!! Even if I may not have agreed with the judges... in fact I strongly disagree with their decisions. I am pretty biased though so I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Here is the photo:

 

In case you don't know. Brad is in the front, wearing the #1... and yet. He got third. THIRD. Not even second.  See the teeny, tiny boys behind him? Yeah. They both beat him. Really judges?!..  Interestingly enough the twiggy twins are both good ol' local boys from Spokane.

 

Can you say political win? 

 

The announcer shook his head and sighed when he saw the results.

 

After getting their awards, the top three get their photos taken and the official photographer said this to Brad "Hey big guy you stand here, then 2nd place here and 3rd place there".  When Brad walked over to the 3rd place position. The photographer said "No, no, no... we need you to stand front and center." When Brad told him he got third place, the photographer stopped and said "Huh. Uh ok, you're in the right place then."

There were other comments like:

"You should have walked off stage."

"I would have kicked the trophy at the judges"

... others I'm sure I wasn't privy to. I know I wanted to throw a few chairs, but Brad handled it like a champ. He was calm and cool about it, disappointed of course but he allowed himself to be sad and then got over it. He was back to his happy, dorky self in no time :) It was a really good trip and we all had a GREAT time supporting our very own rising star.

 

 

 

 

Expensive Addictions

It's expensive to have an addiction, we all know this. And in my opinion the only thing worse than blindly paying for your own addiction is knowingly paying for someone else's. Here's an example... hypothetical of course.

Say you are a smoker.

Maybe you smoke a pack a day.

Each pack costs you around $8 dollars

In one week you (as long as you stick to one pack a day) it will cost roughly $60.

Nearly $250 a month.... just for one little, incredibly unhealthy and disgustingly smelly addiction.

Good thing I don't have a really bad and expensive addiction, like drinking or smoking. Not sure how I'd be able to pay for that and all the other important necessities of life, like a mortgage or food.

Please excuse my crankiness I had to cut back on my caffeine, it was getting too expensive. :) lol

Sisters (...and Brothers)

Three Sisters

By: Francis I. Gillespie **edited a bit by me :)

        

We are three sisters

Three sisters are we

I love each of you,

And I know you love me

We’re not always together,

Life sometimes keeps us apart.

But we're never really separated

Because we’re in each others' heart.

The Lord has given me lots of happiness and glee

One of the best things, was making us sisters ... all three.

My sister rock!!! And... I'm so lucky because my brothers are amazing too!!

I can't imagine my life without any one of my siblings and I have been particularly thankful for each one of their roles in my life lately. We are all so grown up and our bonds are getting even stronger now that we are all older and I freaking love it. :)

I wanted to sit down and type out a list of all the ways they have helped me so I could truly be grateful and have a reminder of how amazing they are.

 ... but it's never ending. (Seriously, I tried...)

There isn't a kind act in the world one (or all!) of my siblings haven't helped me with. Everything from rescuing me from the side of the road (hanging out with me until the AAA guy shows up counts too), washing my dishes, pulling weeds in my yard (even if you pretend to be tanning), Babysitting my kids for hours on end or listening to me whine and cry. Bringing me dinner when I'm too sick to cook, running errands, picking up kids, dropping off kids, driving me to the hospital's emergency room over and over again, being the calm voice of reason, telling me a joke to make me laugh, stopping by to see how I am doing, texting me just because they love me, hating people just because I hate them, thinking of me when funny things happen ...

... see what I mean?!! It could go on and on forever, and not the normal kind of forever, the Sandlot kind of F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!...  and they do it all with a smile on their face.

They never made me feel like I was being a burden to them, because helping me was exactly what they wanted to do that day.

:)

Positive thinking ...

Some days I find it's hard to think positively, and I really don't like negativitiy or bad feelings/thoughts to linger so when I need a little bit of good energy in my day browse Pintrest.

 

I enjoy searching for happy quotes, zen habits, awe-inspiring 'I should write this on my mirror so I see it every day' mantras or just some good 'ol fashioned pee your pants funnies. Here are my favorites from today.

 

 

 

 

Now, back to my life. :)

I blame you leukopenia.

[So you don't have to google it lol. Leukopenia is the fancy medical term for a low white blood cell count.]

Not every day is a bad day, but today is one of my sicker days.Taking anti-nausea pills have become an almost daily thing. I have 3 different pills for nausea [and yes... they all were actually prescribed to me, :) haha] but sometimes they only take the edge off. And when added to the list of my normal everyday life complications, my "broken" back, the fact that it's summer time and all the kids are here. It blows.... BIG time.

It's 12:57 and I'm exhausted; I haven't been sleeping at all this week and tonight doesn't feel like an exception. Once again my mind won't stop racing [obsessing over anything and everything] and I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I have a fever but the only thing I want is hot tomato soup (I've had 2 cans today).

Now to be fair, there is a "solution" to my lack of sleep, if I take a handful of sleeping pills I can knock myself out. The following morning is miserable though [I'm already not a morning person], so it's a nightly decision based on how early I can corral the children and get them to sleep. Oh yeah, and any night my husband is home but he never is... in fact, in the last 10 days was home before 10pm one day, yep one day. So pretty much I am exhausted... all the time.

I can never catch up. My good days just aren't long enough to finish everything I need to get done and still do the things I want to do. It's like coming back to work after a vacation [at my old "working for the man" job] when you take a break or stop working for awhile it doesn't mean your work takes a break. Oh no, it just piles up... and piles up. It waits for you to come back. Then you end up working 60 hours the following week just to make up for the few extra days you had off. Only it didn't matter so much then. Now I have children and people who need me in addition to my other jobs I'm suppose to be getting done. My house is a disaster. You should see my desk. I'm so far behind in every area of my life and it makes my eye twitch. The feeling of hopelessness is pretty discouraging actually. I feel like it makes it even harder to start something knowing you still won't be caught up anyway.

Thankfully, Jabali and the older boys are going to be gone for the next three days, it will help. Why will it help? There is only a 10% chance one of the littles will destroy something or seriously injure one another, which is pretty nice on the 'ol nerves. Less Xanax = More Productivity. Then, after I get my life back on track-ish I am going to reward myself with a trip to my mom's (relaxing mountain getaway) house.

Looking forward to my chance to catch up and set up schedules and a trip to the mountains. In fact, can't decide which one is going to bring more relief. It'll probably be the mountains. Something about sitting in a hot tub, while listening to the river, breathing in fresh air and looking at the stars that just makes me wanna "ahhhhhh" :)

Christmas Pj's for the Hubs

Bahahahahaha!!!! I super love this. lol
Thanks Nikki! :)

.... hello, stranger. :)

It is has been awhile. A very long while.

I promise to write. I do.

Just.... later :)

I

Go Somewhere Do Something: Geocaching

After the Hodgsons told us about their treasure hunting adventures I added Geocaching to my list of Summer Must Do's with the kids. What is Geocaching you ask?! Well looky here I have a link just for you Geocaching 101.

We live really close to a bunch so it'll be quite a fun day.

I think we'll make shirts with a cool "cache" phrase or slogan, lol. Something fun to wear each time we go. Matching outfits just make me happy... and it's easy to spot a wanderer if they are wearing a bright lime green or hot pink shirt. :)

And I read somewhere about picking up litter and garbage while hunting for Geocaches. So I'll be thinking of a way to incorporate that too...

I'll keep you posted on how it goes!!

I LOVE SUMMER!

... I also love this picture my friend Ambir shared on facebook!!

Hooray for hot weather!! ... and bottles and bottles of sunblock. :)

a nudist in the making!

Quinn has decided to be a nudist. Now, I have my mind set on supporting my kids in any lifestyle they choose. I've prepared myself to have a gay son, a career minded daughter who didn't want children, drug loving hippy, government spy, anything that might shock a mother to hear... but I didn't even think about having a little nudey. lol. Here is how our post bathtub conversation went last night.

Quinn: I'm ready to get out.
Me: Ok. Jump out and I'll wrap up in your towel and get you some clothes.
Quinn: Nah, I don't need any clothes.
Me: You don't?
Quinn: I'm gonna stay naked forever.
Me: (laughing) What about when we go to the store?
Quinn: I will be naked everywhere we go. Always naked(he starts laughing)
Me: Well that will be interesting!
Quinn: I'm just kidding mom, but that would be funny huh?
Me: Yes, Quinn that would be very funny!!

I just LOVE my silly (naked) boy! :)

Life Lesson: Mowing the Lawn

Yep. I did it. For the first time in my entire life I mowed the lawn this week. With Jabali gone my darling little brother Jesse had been helping me, but his schedule got busy and the grass didn't get the memo that it needed to take a break from growing. So three weeks went by and I decided it was a necessary evil.

*If you haven't seen my yard its like a football field with corners and hills and all sorts of crazy obstacles. So keep that in mind before judging me :) .

1. Much like writing cursive in schools is now an unappreciated art so is lawn cursive. The grass was wicked long so my "artwork" was pretty awesome. To be honest, I tried to write my name first, but my lawn-mowing cursive is rusty so I switched to gang signs, much easier. I left up my gang signs for a while. Not because I was trying to send a message... I ran out of gas.

2. Using a weed whacker and using the lawn-mower are very similar in the fact that it's not a glass half-full situation. It's better to leave it long and let your neighbors think you are out of town, otherwise they see the "mow-hawk" (get it "mow" haha) down the center of your lawn and know you are a rookie.

3. Pay attention to low hanging branches on shrub-like trees. Just because you are focusing on creating nice lines in the lawn doesn't mean they won't attack you.... they will. Then you might panic because you feel trapped and covered in spiderwebs which might cause you to forget how to reverse leaving you with only two choices; death by shrubbery or tuck and roll, abandoning the lawnmower. Obviously you would choose the second one, giving you time to think out the logistics of getting the lawnmower unstuck,  and ... wave to all the nice people honking and laughing at you.

4. Grass doesn't look good with a fade. You should not switch blade length halfway through... and you should most definitely not switch back when you remember... it may create a ... race track feel/look. And it should be noted that while you may not notice the race track fade effect at ground level, when you are getting a drink of water and stop to admire your work out the window of your second story house it is,... quite noticeable.

5. Going too fast down a hill will not make you tip over, however, it will result in a really, weird and crazy expression on your face. Each and every time you do it. It's not a sensation you get use to. Ugly face. Every. Time. My advice? Go slower or embrace the face.  

When I decided to get down to business I only had trouble with the odd corners and that low hanging tree branch like scrub. Which reminds me, I need to buy a chainsaw... and learn how to use it. lol. :)

Truth

Our song

Every couple has one... a song that is "theirs". Well, this is our song. It's funny because it's a perfect description of who we were and how we met. I love it. :)

We used to call each other every time it came on the radio so the other person could switch to the station playing our song. It's not on the radio these days. but 5 years ago it was a pretty fun game. haha.

Ah the good ol days when I could dance, I'd settle for being able to move without hobbling these days. lol. Nowadays this is more us...

One Big Happy Family

My Immediate Family.

1 Mom
1 Step Dad
1 Dad
1 Step Mom

2 Sisters
3 Brothers
2 Step sisters
4 Step brothers
2 Brother in laws
1 step sister in law (and in the very near future... 3 more awesome sister in laws!)

1 Husband
1 Boyfriend (just kidding, but typing it made me laugh out loud so it's staying! haha)
1 Son
1 Daughter
3 Step sons
1 Step daughter
3 Nephews
1 Niece

... and a Canadian. :)


Then I have a hundred aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins! I love this!! I thought my family was big before, now it's super BIG! :) My little street in heaven is going to be party rocking!! 

reflections of an irrational mind

*disclaimer: this isn't going to make much sense to you. It's merely a collection of the current ramblings of my irrational mind.

This is how I spend most of my Sunday evenings...










... and then I spend the rest of the night on Pinterest because I am too hopped up on the energy drinks I needed to stay awake during my 5 - 6 hour drive. Try not to be jealous, not everyone is cut out for a life of excitement... I am one of the lucky few. :)   

Numbers are awesome. I love numbers almost as much as I love making lists. Using numbers is beneficial in so many ways. And just plain fun! (I feel an 'ode to numbers' post in my future, I'm writing it in my head right now! Yep, awesome.) 

I enjoy cleaning, it makes me feel happy to have things neat and organized. Cleaning up after people is different though, I do not like that. To be clear I am not talking about a few toys the littles or their friends leave behind. I am talking about the dirty, smelly shoes and disgusting socks all over my house. And the snack wrappers and garbage shoved into the couch cushions (despite the rule of no eating in that room!) Then there's the spilled food or juice on the floor that is so kindly left for me to step in ... and then clean up.  

Teenage boys are gross. I mean seriously nasty. When you clog the toilet, fix it... dirty dishes belong in the sink, not under your bed as some science experiment... deodorant is a daily thing, just like showering (and for the record neither one will actually kill you). It will never be ok to wear the same shirt two days in a row (or more!) especially if you have an aversion to bathing and deodorant... okay? okay.

I was perusing my blog details tonight while suffering through Marley's bedtime episode of Diego ... and I realized that my view count is crazy high. I didn't know I had so many "readers"! Makes me a little self-conscious to think people actually read this madness.

Being the bearer of bad news sucks, but when I refuse to be the messenger of sadness or punishment, it just goes unsaid or isn't dealt with until I can't stand it anymore and have to handle things ... which sucks worse.

I love summer, but I hate being outside. It's true ... weird, but true. It's too much open space, too much unpredictability. That's why I want a fenced yard so bad, I think it would help my anxiety levels when I am outside. And even though it's stressful, I go outside everyday, for hours at a time. In fact I spend most of my day outside during the spring and summer, but it takes work to get out there and stay out there. I bet you didn't know that about me.

I don't watch tv. We don't have cable or even an antennae for local channels, but I do love Netflix. Which feels different but it's pretty much the same thing.

I miss sleep. Oh how I miss sleep. I am so tired and I want to junk punch Jabali because he isn't here for me to kick outta bed to investigate loud noises inside, weird sounds outside or fight off bad guys and imaginary rabid coyotes that break into my house to eat my children. True story. For such a proud-that-I'm-so-independent lady I sure turn into a big sissy at night. Changing tires, no problem! Jump starting a car, sure thing! Fixing major appliances, piece of cake. Creepy sounds in the middle of the night? Yeah, no frikkin way! lol. I am pretty proud of myself though, I have investigated every creepy sound thus far... we may be down one vacuum attachment and a chunk of drywall off the corner in the hall but all in all, I think it's been a success! :) 1 week down, 7 weeks to go!  

It's that time of year again!

Break out the swimsuits, Popsicles, water balloons and sprinklers! It's summertime!! Well, kinda ... it's still May and I don't think of summer officially starting until school is out in June but it's going to be in the 90's this week and that sounds like summer weather if you ask me!!

We are off to buy a little kiddie pool or two and maybe some new water squirting toys, we would have just set up our giant pool this week... but it was mysteriously destroyed at the end of last summer [darn wind storm... :)]. So once we procure some nice, new (safe) water fun and after I invest in a serious supply of sunblock [maybe I'll even buy a giant floppy hat too!] I will break out my new lawn chairs and sit in the shade filling up water balloons until the sun goes down. Well, not literally my fingers get tired of tying water balloons after an hour or so, but yay for summer!!

Mother's Day

Today I was informed by my stepson Xavior, that Mother's Day does not apply to me because I'm only his step mom not his real mom. Only... his ... step mom?!?! Hmmm... Who takes him to the doctor twice a month? Who drives him to therapy and discusses current issues with his therapist? Who brings home "just because I love you" surprises? Who deals with his teachers every day? Who teaches him the importance of hard work and pays his allowance? Who takes the time to make sure his day went well at school and listens when it wasn't good? .... yeah, that would be me. ME! Not his mother. No, apparently all she had to do earn the right to Mother's Day was push him out of her vagina. (I'd also like to point out that this same mother opted out of spending time with her son on mother's day that's why he is with his me for the holiday.) Normally I would have let this comment go like I usually do, but this particular weekend... Mother's Day weekend, my weekend I decided to respond with just how very untrue that was.

I wanted to explain that not only did I speak to his real mom and try to explain how important it is she not bail on him this weekend, and then after she once again did cancel (out of the last six schedules visits he was suppose to see her, he only went once) I tried to arrange for him to stay with his Auntie. After Heather said yes, and Hannah agreed to drive him both ways... his mom veto'd it saying she couldn't afford to see him. Then I offered to send him with money so he wouldn't be a financial burden. But even after all that he still couldn't go because she needed to get her stuff and move into an apartment this weekend (which has been the same excuse for all 5 missed visits... this apartment must be really far away). I knew how sad not seeing his mom for Mother's Day would make him so I called his friends' moms to see who could stay the night. Mark? No. Drew? No. Jake? Maybe. So I had to beg Jacob's mom to unground him (bad grades... silly Jake) so he could stay the night. After she agreed, I stopped on my way home from my Ellensburg drive and rented 2 redbox movies for them to watch with treats to make it a fun night... on mother's day weekend... the weekend that is suppose to be all about giving me a break, the one day every 365 days where I get to come first. I went out of my way to make him feel better about his mom not being there for him, and mother's day doesn't count for me?!!

Instead of pointing it all out and calling him an ungrateful, self-centered bastard like I thought in my head (I was really cranky, lol) ... I just made a frowny face and told him in a saddened voice that it means even more for step moms like me because we have to work twice as hard and you still don't even love us half as much, because no matter what I do or how much I love you, I'll never be your real mom.

.... Happy Mother's Day to me.

It's ok though, because I am going to demand a "do over"...I have to drive to Ellensburg, I won't get to sleep in, Jabali isn't home so there will be no pampering involved, I will have to cook and clean and watch kids so I decided that I am giving myself a rain check for this mother's day. :) haha

Friends

Today I was thinking about friends and how extremely lucky I am to have such good friends in my life. I have never 'lost' a friend. (Other than my friend Blanca from Elementary school... and we didn't get into an argument, I moved and we didn't stay in touch. Where was facebook then?! )

Sure people change, move... or their priorities change and we grow apart. That's gonna happen every now and then, but we always remain friends. Whether we talk/text/email regularly or if I see them once a year. Even those that I see less than that - when I see them in the store we hug and swap stories about our lives and promise to chat on facebook.... and then we do. It's great. I love it.

I often hear about others getting into fights and arguments with their friends and that is so sad to me, but I will never completely understand that. It's never happened to me. I have never experienced the explosion of a best friend feud. Or a fight that would cause me to "un friend" someone on facebook let alone in real life.

My bestest best friends have always been my siblings and cousins though, that might play a serious part in my inability to make my friends hate me. haha. Those closest to me can't hate me, we are related! lol. But even all my non-family friends are still in my life. I love everyone of them and feel so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.

I am pretty awesome though. If I wasn't me, I'd want to be friends with me. :)

Silly Sayings

My kids say the most hilarious things. I laugh and laugh... sometimes text it to a couple family members or do a quick facebook post and then forget about it. BUT, I want to start keeping these silly sayings and funny moments to relive again, and again... and again! :) So I am going to blog them. That way when my computers crash (3 in 5 years) I can still have the memories stored away online (unlike my notes, moments and memories from Quinn and Marley's first years of life! Yeah, total bummer.)

I am going to start with two of today's laugh out loud moments:

Me: Marley it's time to get ready for bed.
Marley: Mom, I don't understand you. I only speak spanish.
Me: lol. Thank you Dora.

Quinn was taking the garbage out during chore time, and he went to throw the garbage bag over the balcony into the open garbage can down below, but he missed then said: "Ohh, man... fail!" lol.

I love it!! :)

the begining of the end

Change takes time. I know that.

I didn't gain 50 pounds overnight.

I didn't become this overwhelmed in one week.

I didn't forget what makes me happy last month.

I didn't lose my sense of self this year.

It took time to get here and it'll take time to get back.

Back to happiness. Back to me.

It's going to happen this time. I know I've tried before and failed, but it was because I couldn't go back to the exact person who I used to be when I last remembered being happy. I started to resent people whom I felt made that goal an impossible one. I was being naive, I see that now. Things have changed since my last chapter of truly happy. I have children that I totally adore and a husband that loves me no matter what. I've faced demons I didn't know existed and suffered losses that I deemed impossible to overcome. Which means, the same things that made me tick before could be different this time around, but I remember the feeling of being happy with who I was and so I'll strive for that.

My goal of no longer being a doormat will happen. I know in the beginning I'll give in to people I'd much rather punch in the boob than smile at but slowly I will put myself first again. No more just saying yes, because I always do. It's expected of me right now so it'll  make some waves at first, and that's ok. I won't stand around to deal with the fall out. I'll be too busy doing something I enjoy. Never again will I force my sick children to be with babysitters so I can drive someone else's children to Ellensburg and back. I have done that three times now and I hated myself for it. Never again. It's not even my responsibility, so things are going to start happening around my schedule or I won't do it.   

Eventually I will stop being so hard on myself when I make mistakes. No one is perfect. I heard a quote the other day that said, "the only thing that runs deeper than a mother's love is her guilt." We all do it. We all feel inadequate and that's a shame. I strongly believe that everyone does the best they can and that should be enough. Be confident that you are awesome just like you are and there will be no disappointment or reason to compare. I know I don't do as many fun things as other people, or make as much money, or create gourmet meals but guess what? That's ok, because who really cares? No one but me. And seeing how everyone else is too busy worrying about themselves... let yourself off the hook and just be you and do the things that make you happy. That's what I am going to do!    

I will stop stressing out when things happen. HUGE bills? Sure. Kid Drama? Why not. Health problems? Eh, that's life. The next time something comes up, I will not waste time obsessing over it, and instead I am just going to relax, take a few deep breaths and deal with the issue. Just handle it and be done so I can move on to something I want to do.

 

This is going to be great! :)

.the victim of her own story.

I stood in front of her, filled with disgust.
What happened to her I wondered.

Her face was old for such a young woman.
It was sad, regardless of the fake smile she wore.

Her eyes were empty and void of hope.
There was darkness where the light should be.

Her shoulders were visibly slumped.
Like she was too tired to try or perhaps just didn't care.

I pitied her.
No. It was more than that.
I hated her.

Who we are and what our life becomes is up to us.
Why had she chosen to be the victim of her own story?
How pathetic.

I was tired of this girl, she made me depressed.
I started to walk away, and then I remembered.
She wasn't always like that.

When did her life change?
What made her this way?
Why hadn't she noticed?

I turned off the faucet and put my toothbrush back in the drawer.
But before I stepped away from the mirror I said goodbye to that girl.
Because it would be the last time I ever saw her.

another one of those days

Ever have one of those days where it seems like nothing is going your way? Yeah, me too. More often than I'd like to admit. Today though, oh boy today... well, it's close to taking the cake as far as bad days go.

Spend the night coughing so violently I can barely sleep: CHECK

Wake up late and have to rush the boys around so they catch the bus on time: CHECK

Get some bad news: CHECK

Back pain is so bad that driving to/from Ellensburg made me cry: CHECK.

Car accident in Gas Station parking lot, in Jabali's new car: CHECK.

Have an anxiety attack when finding out Xavior was watching my kids while his dad "laid in bed the whole time": CHECK.

I can't find any cough medicine left from Jabali's 3 day binge, no ibuprofen either. It's finally beautiful outside and I am too cranky and in pain to go out and enjoy it. Ugh. I am so done hurting, this pain has got to stop, my immune system needs to catch up, and I want time to relax... but there is no rest for mommies. It's just not in our contracts, which I don't remember signing by the way. :)

There is however, Scrubs seasons 1-9 on Netflix, and that my friends, is something worth smiling about.:) I'm going to feed kids, do bedtime routines, skip my chores and instead pop some popcorn, crack open some cheese sauce and laugh (inside, because real laughing hurts). What's a few more pounds anyway?

my big little moment

Despite it's rough start (this is a serious understatement; even when considering my deep love of theatrics) tonight turned out to be pretty great.

In an effort to soothe my crying tiny I slow danced with her to an Adele song I found on YouTube (one with the lyrics, so I could adequately sing along), she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said:

 "thank you for fixing me mom, you are my best friend"

... it was a moment I will always cherish, even though she'll never remember.

After I 'fixed' my tiny little, the other littles found their way into my room. It could have had something to do with the volume of the song, it was loud. Very loud. Loud enough to mask the chaos just outside my door. And if I was being honest, I would have to admit that I turned the volume up extra high in hopes of luring them into my area of control.


When they walked in I flashed them a quick, half-smirk and decided that something upbeat would be good, so I clicked on LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" (yes, the clean version... again with lyrics. Try not to judge my joy of sing-along songs. It's tempting I know, I blame Disney. lol) I didn't even have to tell them to dance ... They. Just. Knew.

We all started dancing like maniacs! Each showcasing our own extremely awesome dance skills but remembering to take turns so everyone had a chance to show off their "watch me mom!" signature move.  Seriously, my kids rock! Apparently, the ability to dance is genetic because well,  ya know... back in the day, not to brag or anything... I was prr-et-ty amazing. lol.  

Fast forward to my older boys coming in to investigate the impromptu dance party. They too had a "moment",  not nearly as amazing as mine; in fact, it was more along the lines of a traumatic event they won't soon be able to forget. And yeah, if you are wondering... I do in-fact still "got it", you know... going on, lol. A few minutes later they too joined in the fun, good luck getting them to admit it though. :)

For just a little while, in my albeit small-ish bedroom aka "area of control" things were happy again. No fighting, no yelling, no injuries, no arguing, no crying, no tattle-telling... just wicked, awesome dance moves and the silly sounds of laughter that accompanies such fun. 

And I used the momentum from the good family time to wrap up the night and send everyone to bed. Now that everyone is laying down for bedtime I am going to ignore the dishwasher that needs unloaded and the clothes that need folding and instead I am going to log onto Pinterest and "pin all the things!"

a pocket FULL of sunshine

I mean FULL of ... well, SUNSHINE. At least in this girl's book. :)

And even though money may not grow on trees; happiness does come in pill form.

I know what you are thinking.

 If it's so great why don't you take it everyday?

I would if I could.

Happiness is expensive.

And when you don't have health insurance the cost can be the difference between

real food for the month or Top Ramen...

Today was a soup kinda day anyway.

in the end

How do you say the words that no one wants to hear?
How do you be honest when the truth is so hurtful?
How do you express the anguish you can't explain?

Do you keep it inside, bury it deep and shoulder the burden alone?
Do you say what needs to be said even if you know no one will listen?
Do you run away and hope it doesn't follow you?

Why can't life be fair?
Why can't it be easier?
Why can't it be fixed?

I want to be done.
I want things to change.
I want it all to go away.


...but there is always hope for the future.

So, I'll pop another pill.
Put on my happy face.
And smile through the pain.

because in the end ...
what other choice do I have?

those kids

You know those kids you don't want your children to be friends with? 

The ones who make bad choices, use foul language, are rude, defiant, and just overall not good examples??

My kids LIVE with those kids.

[long heavy sigh]

I tried to fix it.

.. but it appears to be something I can not medicate for, discipline out, correct, or change.

now what?

send kids to their room for all acts of inappropraite behavior, which makes them think I hate them and am punishing them for being who they are

or

continue to let my kids be surrounded with this negative influence that makes my skin crawl and my neck ache??

I tried fixing it. It didn't work.

So I tried to ignore it.

It's no longer bareable. My little children are now mimicing thier older brothers. 

It's what little kids do.

And I can't ignore that. 

What's holding you back?

I really like this.

So much so I pinned it twice on Pinterest.

I got the message that said "Sarah repinned you" and started laughing at my silly self.

But it's a great message.

What WOULD I do if I knew I could not fail?

Awesome Dance! :)

I think Brad and Kayla should do this dance for their couples routine at the Ironman in Spokane it would be pretty epic. Kayla will totally rock this, and just imagine Brad.... long haired wig... flexing trunks. lol. I'm sure we could make a mash-up, but this has to be part of it!

The Mom Challenge

The Mom Challenge

 "There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.... "

I originally "re-pinned" this idea from my Aunt Jani's pin on Pinterest. [Here are my boards, ya know.. in case you feel like following me :)]

Often I find myself thinking I am not good enough at this mommy thing. I want to do more activities like she does, or take my kids more places like they do, or have more time to do this or that... pretty much I am hard on myself because I'm afraid I won't be the best mom ever. And I really, really want to be. Seriously I want my kids to brag to their friends about how amazing their childhood was. So this is an attempt to uncover new and exciting way to be a great mom.

Ukuleles

I love songs with ukuleles in them, seriously nothing can put a big cheesy grin on my face faster than an upbeat ukulele song. The only thing I love more than that is a song about ukuleles... enjoy! :) lol.

just be

What would Sarah McLachlan say?

Me: "Your dog just peed on the floor, I need you to go clean it up." 

J2: "Ugh. Fine."

Me: "You do realize that you are losing $1 of your allowance every time she pees on the floor, right?" (Not the first time the dog has peed on the floor today.)

J2: "I can't stop her."

Me: "You could try paying attention to her."

15 minutes later. The pee is still not cleaned up.

Me: "Jabali I need you to pause your game and go clean up the dog pee."

J2: "I will."

Me: Standing there waiting. "Now please."

J2: "Oh my gosh."

Heaven forbid I want the dog pee off my floor.

He gets up huffing and puffing and stomping around to get paper towels

like a true teenage drama queen.

... meanwhile Marley slips in the dog pee. Awesome.

He picks up the paper towels  that he used to soak up the pee and tosses them in the garbage.

J2:" I don't remember Athena being able to pee that much."

Me: "You're right Jabali, I peed on the floor."

the pee is not really cleaned up.

it is definitely not sanitary over there.

THIS. IS. NOT. OK!

I have to re-clean it up myself, that way I know it's clean.

Shame on me for caving and allowing J2 kids to get a puppy for his birthday.

Shame on me for not insisting he ask for something other than a pet.

He promised to take really good care of her and I fell for it... Shame.On.Me!  

It's frustrating to make the same mistakes over again. The last dog our family owned wasn't taken care of like he should of been. Don't get me wrong he was loved, but only when it was convenient. And that is not how puppies are supposed to be treated. I got tired of being the only one taking care of him, cleaning up after him, playing with him. It was too much for me to do along with everything else going on so I had to find him a different home, so we could both be happier.


I thought that was a lesson learned.       ... but now ... it's happening all over again.

J2 doesn't seem to "get it". Despite the encouragement, reminders, self-help books, serious talks, extra chores, lost allowance. It's seriously draining. And that's only when he's here. I take care of the dog when he is at school, holiday breaks and every other weekend when he's at his mom's house.

He yells at the puppy when he gets in trouble for not taking care of it. He hits her when she doesn't listen to him and then freaks out on me when I try to correct his bad choices.

"What do you want me to do about it?"
"What?! Am I suppose to just play with her all day and have no life?!"
(Wow. Um.. please, don't have children.)

His dog spends more time locked in her kennel than she spends outside of it. If she's not locked in her kennel, he just puts her outside and leaves her there for HOURS. We don't have a fenced yard yet, and yesterday I saw the puppy run across the road in front of a car. She almost got hit. He didn't seem to care because she was back out there again tonight. In fact I went out to get my phone out of the car and she was laying on the front porch, who knows how long she had been left out there this time. It's sad.

And I can not stand the dog hair that is E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E!! Everywhere.
I hate stepping in pee.
I am not a fan of coming home and seeing poop on the floor.
It's not sanitary. It's SO NOT OK.

I tried talking to his dad about it, he gets mad at me for being upset. Like I don't have a right to live in a clean, dog-hair free house because his son is ADHD and it's hard for him to remember, and giving the dog away would make him sad. What would Sarah McLachlan say about this situation? Hmmm?! She wouldn't like it!! I know that much.

I don't know what I am going to do  but something has got to change. One of these days the poor little puppy that gets left outside by herself... might just go missing, and find herself in a new home where she'll be really loved and taken care of. Until then I will use J2's allowance money to buy more bleach spray.

'Orange you glad I didn't say banana?!

"holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"     -- felice dunas

let it go and move on, you'll be better because of it. :)

Important to Remember...

We don't know what challenges anyone else is facing. So, don't judge them... and definitely don't make life harder for them. It's not necessary, and it's definitely not nice.

Just remember the golden rule our mothers taught us when we were young... Treat others how you would like to be treated.

If everyone did this, the world would be a much, much nicer place to live.

Laughing is Great!

a life not our own

Parents are just people. They get to make mistakes too, right? Unfortunately no. Not without directly affecting our children and their future.

People seem to think, that their life is theirs to live. "Who cares?!"  "It's not like I'm hurting anyone." "It's my life." Its not. Seriously, wake up. Your actions have consequences for others... especially your children. Each and every decision parents make will affect their children. One way or another we are shaping the people our children will become, for better or worse. 

As for me I will forever live my life for my children. Giving birth to them changed my whole existence. My life is harder, but better because they are in it. Their best interests will always be in the forefront of my mind and I would do anything for my children.

I want to be better and I constantly strive to be a better mother and in general a better person. I am not perfect. Far from it and I try my best not to judge others, it's not my place.... but some people make it so hard to like them.

*Disclaimer: I realize this is a pretty vague post and some of you are going to think it is aimed at you. Rest assured it is not, unless your name is Corrin. But, if while reading this you thought it was about you... that might mean something.

Proprioceptive

Word of the Day!! While looking up preschool activities for the Littles I came across a word I wasn't familiar with... so I looked it up! :)

Now you can too!

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/proprioceptive

Heck Yes!

(Click on the picture so you can read it.)

 :) LOVE this story!!

My New Year's Resolution

I realize that January is almost over but I finally settled on a NYR that I like. Usually I do a ton of them because I like goals and setting out what I want to accomplish is important to me, but this year I am focusing on only one. One very big (to me) very hard (for me) Resolution.

2012: Learn to say NO and STOP being a doormat.

I have already stood up for myself three time this month alone. It is hard, and it is not being received well. Just tonight I almost caved to a 12 year who likes to bully me into things, but I didn't let him win. I remembered that I was going to stand up for myself. Going to buy donuts, at dinner time, in a car I don't like or trust is not something I am going to do tonight. Suck on that bitches.

That last sentence is completely necessary, I assure you. :)

just because

Family Dinner

Like a lot of people I know, our family sits down to have family dinner around our dining table every night, well... with very few exceptions (movie/pizza night or if I am driving to pick up/drop off kids). It's not something we've always done as a family, but it's a great tradition, one that all the experts agree is an important bonding time for children that helps them in many areas of life.

I don't like it.

It's stressful and it's a ton of extra work.

Tonight I didn't feel like setting the table. I didn't want to make small talk that turned into a battle of who was right about whatever insignificant thing someone felt like arguing about. I didn't want to pretend to be interested in the newest video game character -- whose name I can't pronounce. I didn't want to remind the boys to stop (for 1,000th time) trying to correct the little kids.

I didn't want to do it.

So, I didn't.

We ate around the kitchen counter. 

We prayed together and then I let kids come and go as they pleased.  I set out a stack of paper plates and a pile of silverware. People came, they ate, they left.

I didn't like it either.

Oh well! :) It's no surprise the really good and important family things we need to do in life are hard to achieve. I will probably be proud that I was able to provide the 'family dinner time' stability for our family once everyone is grown up. Haha. So tomorrow night we will have dinner at the dining table like usual. But I think we are going to change the dynamic of it. No more "how's was your day?" random questions. I am going to do this:  

http://www.howdoesshe.com/christmas-present-to-our-readers

With some of my own questions and my faves from here:

http://www.mnn.com/family/family-activities/blogs/150-family-dinner-discussion-topics

And it's going to be fun!!! Who knows, maybe someday soon I will look forward to dinner time. :)

Zombies vs Mom

I am losing the fight for sleep against these "zombies" of Quinn's dreams... and last night was the worst. I managed to get only 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep and it was sandwiched between Marley and Quinn on a less than comfortable twin matress.

Poor little guy, he was so scared. He woke up screaming for me... "Mom, where are you?! Please find me Mom!!" When I picked him up he was shaking and with wide-open, terrified eyes told me zombies were coming out of the play clothes trunk so I reminded him that I have superpowers and zombies, monsters and bad guys are scared of mommies [trying to convince him they don't exist doesn't work, it just makes him upset]. He said ok, and asked me not to leave him. So he curled up next to [practically under] me. I thought that would be enough of a safe and secure environment for him and we'd get to sleep til morning. Not the case this time. Every noise in the house freaked him out. He'd squeeze me, start shaking and tell me the zombies were back. I'd describe the sound he heard and then tell him what made the noise, "Nope, nothing is there the _____ sound you heard was ... kenzie walking around upstairs ... uncle Brad moving around in his bed ... my tummy rumbling ... marley snoring ... the toilet flushing. This went on for about 3 hours. I held him and sang about 10 primary songs [all that I know, lol] and he finally feel asleep... then just 2 short hours later Marley was awake and ready for the day, and she was NOT in a "Good Morning Sunshine" kind of mood! lol.

Needless to say it's going to be a nap kinda day! :)

This one is even better!! lol.

If you are unhappy.... change something!

link

I love this picture.

It's amazingly simple and so very true.

Our happiness really is up to us.

If you are not happy, if your life isn't good...

change something and check again,

repeat if necessary!

All or Nothing About Me?!

I keep starting and then stopping an "About Me" section for my blog. It's one of the first things they suggest you do when you set up a blogging account. It's suppose to have it's own little tab/page too. Intense.

I've always had trouble with the whole write about yourself kinda thing. My myspace intro was so dumb! Thank heavens for the delightfully confusing layout of Facebook! haha. I mean, what things do you say... what things do you omit? How much info is too much? Is there a protocol to it?

I looked around on a few of my favorite blogs... and most of them are super basic, vague and honestly kinda lame. Pretty much like the one I already have up on my page. "blah, blah, husband, blah, blah, kids, blah blah life.... blah." lol.

I was thinking of going big. Drop your jaw "Ummm, what did you say? I had NO idea!" big. An expose of sorts. Then I remembered this is public and forever available to whomever has an Internet connection so that might be a little awkward if my love of pharmaceuticals popped up on a random "google your kids' friend's mom" kinda day (you know you do it too.)

So... somewhere between boring and intense would be nice. :)

Feeling bouncy... like a ball. :)

I had the brilliant idea to try a new caffeine pill in place of drinking my afternoon "pick me up" espresso.

Which would have probably been good...

but I forgot I took it,

and had two espresso drinks because I was super tired.

Then my pill kicked in,

and now...

I am NOT so tired. :)

Always interesting over here! Hmm. I really love caffeine. In a borderline dangerously awesome way!! ... almost as much as swearing. :D

Top 11 of 2011

11

Summer Bowling Trips

10

Family Vacay to Moses Lake Splash Park

9

Remodling the garage

8

Jabali got into Grad School! (Over 100 applied, only 12 were accepted.)

7

Shel's amazing transformation!

6

Mom finding happiness

5

 Brad's Bodybuilding Competitions

4

The "Condi-go" with Jersay and Shelbs

3

 Our Hodgsons moved home!!

2

 Uncle Jake's safe return from Brazil!

1

... and when it ended. lol.


Looking forward to all the fun and adventure 2012 has in store for me!! :)